grief

Why?

We aren’t very religious. I would say even less so since Blake died. Sometimes I think we’re spiritual but I don’t know. I’ve never been one to tie myself to anything like that. I wish I was certain about what happens after this life like so many others are. But I’m not.

A few weeks after Blake was diagnosed I was at a complete loss all around. I started panicking in what our lack of faith would mean for Blake. Where would she go when she left us? What if we didn’t believe?

I met a pastor from my nephew’s school at the recommendation of my sister. We talked, she a mom too, imagined herself in my shoes. I was so grateful for that. She always made me feel heard and cared for. The months that Blake was alive she reached out to me often. She offered support of all kinds: meals, gatherings, her presence, prayers. When Blake died she was one of the first people to come to our home.

I recently heard that her infant nephew was ill. It appeared to be very serious. While I didn’t know the details, I reached out to let her know we were thinking of her. That little guy was heavy on my heart.

Today I learned that he died.

Being in this community is so incredibly difficult. You see, when another child dies, we as loss parents feel it deeply. Of course we don’t feel it as those parents do but we know it. We know the pain of watching life leave your child’s body. We know what kissing them goodbye one last time is like. We know the breaking of your heart every time you see a child who looks like the one you lost. We know that hell because we did and we do live it.

I will never get used to children dying. I will never stop asking why this happens. Why babies are taken away from their families in so many cruel ways. Over and over and over again.

I will never get the answers I want, obviously.

If you’re the praying kind, please pray for my friend and her family. If you aren’t, please have them in your hearts. The days coming for them are unbareable.

2 thoughts on “Why?

  1. Hugs and prayers to your sweet family and to your friend and her family. I firmly believe that these little ones are safe and happy in heaven and that you’ll have the opportunity to be together again with them. And although I have no answers for why these little ones leave so early, I know we have a loving God who will help us through. I hope peace fills your heart!

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  2. From one SMA family to another, know that you aren’t alone in your loss. We lost our daughter to Type 1 18 months ago. Every few months we hear of another affected family and relive our loss anew. It’s something that others don’t understand unless they have lived it

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