Blake has been gone just over six weeks. I have absolutely no idea how that much time has passed. We had spent 5 months and 1 day since she was diagnosed trying to prepare ourselves, for her to leave, as best we could. Let’s be real; there is no preparation. There’s no way to be ready to say goodbye to your child. There just isn’t. We didn’t get enough time with her. Even years together wouldn’t have been enough. Parents are supposed to outlive their children. Period.
Watching Kenley miss her sister is one of the most difficult things I’ve been through. Every time she asks for Blake (multiple times daily), or tells us “I miss Bakey” – it never gets easier. My poor two year old realizes that someone you love very much can just vanish. How terrifying that must be for such an innocent little heart.
Every moment of every day I am thinking of Blakey. Wishing I was holding her or feeding her. Hoping that this nightmare will end and she’ll come back. I catch myself staring at nothing. It’s like I kind of zone out. It’s all very surreal. I take care of Kenley every day; I try my best to do things to honor Blake and I remember to breathe. Many people have asked what “helps” and my honest answer is: nothing. Nothing makes Blake being gone any better. I wish there was something, but there really isn’t.
We’ve begun extensive grief support for each of us. Jeff and I are attending support groups. We’re trying to remind ourselves, if Blake were still here, she would be suffering. Suffering is something we absolutely refused for Blake to experience.
We miss her; we love her and that won’t ever go away. Knowing we have to live the rest of our lives without her is another overwhelming kind of pain.
You still have a little bit more time if you’d like to participate in Blake’s Birthday Toy drive. We will be wrapping up soon. Thank you to those of you who participated. It’s been absolutely amazing.
Team Blake shirts are available for a few more days. All proceeds go directly to Cure SMA.