Blake · Family

Pissed

I’m sure it’s obvious from previous posts (and since I’m a human being) that anger is something I feel on the regular. I never thought anything could happen to my child. Bet that sounds naive. It is. AJ Visit and Zoo 018

I always figured, once your baby is born and examined, you’re good. I knew raising children would include a lot of challenges, all at different stages. Seriously though, the thought never crossed my mind that something so ‘wrong’ with my daughter would be found so much later.  I felt like something wasn’t quite right early on. I’m angry at myself for not trusting my instincts earlier or pushing the doctors when I knew I was right. I remember telling the doctor, on multiple occasions, I was very concerned about Blake’s lack of progress, only to be told to ‘force tummy time and wait’.

I’m angry my daughter is being robbed of a long and healthy life. I’m angry she doesn’t get to do things that everyone should be able to do. I’m angry my husband won’t get to walk his youngest daughter down the aisle. I’m angry my daughters won’t grow up together. I’m angry we have to watch our baby get so weak she can’t breathe on her own. I’m angry I have to plan for things that no mother should ever have to plan for. There is absolutely nothing fair about this horrific curve life has thrown our way.

I have a lot to be angry about. At the same time, I have a lot to be grateful for. There are many families who have children that never make it out of the hospital. There are parents who never get to hold their babies without tubes and medical equipment. There are parents who never get to hold their babies alive. The thought of that takes my breath away.

We are lucky enough to have Blake at home. She’s babbling and playing with a balloon as I type this. She’s been with us every day of her almost 7 months. Jeff and I have been able to be with her most of each of those days. We have enough support and flexibility to put everything else on hold just to be with our girls. That’s absolutely amazing. Blake is happy and full of smiles every single day. She has shown us what true love really means. She reminds us, in an unbelievable way, absolutely nothing matters besides your family. I am incredibly grateful to be her Mama. I know Jeff feels the same way about being her Daddy. She has changed our world in too many ways to count. We are blessed to know her and call her ours. Everything is different because of her precious life.

I feel conflicted often. I’m so very angry, but I feel so very lucky at the same time. I guess that’s the nature of something as awful as this. I have to fight being angry every second of every day; I look around and I am grateful for all that I’ve got.

I just looked up from my computer. Jeff has a laundry basket on his head; he and Kenley are dancing to country music. Kenley saw me and said, “Mama, dance!”  I’m going to pick up Blake so we can all dance together. What could be better than that?

8 thoughts on “Pissed

  1. You are a damn good writer. You are a Geissler. Turn your anger into strength. Everybody needs you strong…and listen to Kenley….dance!
    All my love. …and I would like to meet you someday …
    Your cousin
    Sue Kalinowski

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  2. Stephanie I am amazed by your strength. Your expressive writing is also very impressive. It’s a gift. Thank you for sharing your gift. Love to all you. -Taylor

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  3. Oh, my darling Stephanie! You are lighting the way for others with your vulnerability and strength. Your anger is righteous to be sure, and your gratitude a saving grace. Not a thing could be better than rocking out with your family! You are loved and appreciated so much!

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  4. You are so brave and strong. I know that anger, and I still feel it regularly. The girls are beyond blessed to have you and Jeff; and though I don’t know your husband I know that they were given the right parents for this job.

    I know my situation wasn’t ever the same but if you ever want to talk; I’d love to be an ear for you.

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  5. Those that can’t see their blessing inge through their anger are the ones that get eaten up alive.
    Anger… you have every right to be angry, just don’t let it overshadow all of those wonderful things you are grateful for.
    You’re strong, a wonderful mom and an amazing person. I’m sorry you have to undertake such heartache and pain, but am so grateful that you see some of the silver linings.

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  6. I can totally relate to this… When I look at my son having a hard time, i just feel this anger so fierce in my heart, like i want to shout and just let it all out, how it’s so unfair that my son is being robbed of a normal life, how other kids are running and playing while my son can barely walk… I just feel so angry but i fight it, I don’t give in to the anger instead i tell myself to just suck it up and continue loving my son so much that he won’t feel he’s missing out on life… Hugs Mommy! We can do this!

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