Blake · Family · grief

It’s a lot

In just a few days, it will be 2 years and 6 months since Blake died. I will never stop saying that I can’t believe SMA came into our lives and stole my perfect girl. All the time we ask ourselves why this happened? Why her? Why our family?

My big girl has been asking a lot of questions lately. She is so smart (proud mama here 🙋🏻‍♀️) and perceptive. She always has been. We have given honest age appropriate answers to her questions surrounding Blake since the very beginning. As she gets older, some of the questions change and that has gotten even tougher than we anticipated. Answers she previously accepted are no longer adequate. The worst are the ones that can never be answered, “Why did Blakey have to be born with weak muscles? Why couldn’t her muscles be strong?” She is starting to see that there are some things her Mama and Daddy cannot heal. I hate that.

On our first snow day she realized the flowers we had planted at her sister’s tree a couple nights before were all covered up.

As odd as it is to say this, it’s almost like we forget that this isn’t a typical part of family life. We forget that having a child who died and then raising little people with that on their shoulders (and ours) is not what most families carry.  Our struggles are just not the same as our neighbors. We read books about grieving our child and grieving as a child. We answer literally the toughest questions we can be asked as parents. Over and over and over. We try to keep Blake’s memory alive by talking about her, including her, and showing kindness because of her. We do everything we can to make sure our living children, extended family, friends and strangers know and never forget Blakey.

We miss her. And we still wake up every single day without her.

Sometimes I have to sit, remember and give consciousness to all of that being a lot.

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