I brought my laptop along this vacation. I had big ideas of writing as often as I wanted out on the deck in the Hawaiian breeze. All by myself. Well, this is our last night and I’m finally sitting out here with all three girls. One in my lap and the other two playing with two plastic cups and a pot of water. Daddy is feeling a bit under the weather so we’re letting him rest. 

Our vacation has been really wonderful. We’re on the big island with family which makes things even better for us. We’ve spent tons of time at the pool, been to a few beaches, gone to a luau, and lots of other touristy stuff. The best part has been being together without worries of real life or planning (I didn’t even bring my planner!) or running around. Hawaii has a way of forcing us to just be which is amazing. 

Being here has made me think of the future even more than usual. Jeff and I have been talking a lot recently about what our life looks like now and how we want it to look. We are missing Blakey all day, every day. We never thought we would be a family missing one of their babies. I mean, who imagines that? After losing Blake we never thought we would have another biological child and Ayla is here, happy and healthy. That’s amazing. We never thought when getting into foster care that our very first placement would become part of our family forever. While I can’t give details, her situation will very likely keep her with us permanently. It’s all so much more than we ever thought it would be in devastating and incredibly wonderful ways. 

One of the main things we talk about is my career. I have been working at the same place since 2008 (minus thirteen months when we were stationed in El Paso) and I’ve been ready for a change since before Blake was born. My drive for change has become even stronger since becoming a special needs mama, medically fragile child’s mama, loss mama, foster mama and now a potentially adoptive mama. I’ve always wanted to be home with my babies. I don’t think I’m one to be home completely full time but I’d love to be most of the time. With that, I need to be doing something that’s meaningful to me. Along the way of holding all these mama titles I’ve seen a need for so much more than what is available. There is a lot of pain and heartache that happens to a lot of people. As one of those people I know that one of the only things that makes a difference is those who help you along the way. 

Anyway, changes have to come soon. I wouldn’t be holding true to my daughter or myself if I stayed doing things the way I am now. It’s so easy for me to tell others ‘you only live once’, but I need to put my money where my mouth is!

Ayla is now trying to stand in the pot of water so that’s my cue!