Blake

Easy?

I want to thank those of you who have reached out to me; it means a lot during this extremely difficult time. People whom I’ve never met are taking the time to think of us and pray for my family. That really blows me away and I’m grateful. Many people have asked how we’re doing. My answer doesn’t satisfy most, but it’s honest: terrible. We’re floating through the days, trying hard to keep some normalcy for Kenley. We still have a hard time believing that Blake is no longer on this earth.Blakey 3143

I feel like I need to clear something up, though. I considered waiting, because my mind is a mess, but it keeps coming up, so here I am.

There seems to be the idea- from quite a few people- that knowing SMA would eventually take Blake’s life or that it was “expected”, would somehow make her loss easier to bear. Let me tell you: that is about the furthest thing from the truth.

I carried Blake in my body for 9 months. When she was born, I cared for her every single day for almost 11 months. And then, one day, I held her lifeless body in my arms. I have lived for 10 days now without holding her and it feels like a lifetime. This is the hardest fucking thing I have ever done and it is just beginning. We were not ready. We were not prepared and we never would have been. Blakey is supposed to be here with us and she’s not. I assure you; it is NOT easy, nor easier, because I knew it was coming. Not in any kind of way.

Losing your child, under ANY circumstance, in any way, is absolutely horrific.

9 thoughts on “Easy?

  1. Your family has inspired me! Most amazing, unselfish thing I have ever seen! I can’t imagine the horrific grief your family is experiencing, but know that you have touched so many hearts and so many people are thinking of your sweet family.

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  2. It doesn’t matter how long you have to prepare, you can never prepare to lose your child. I don’t know what it feels like and don’t know how to say the right words, but I can’t imagine it ever getting easier. You are amazing parents and did everything right! I would love to meet you someday.
    (I went to high school with Jeff)

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  3. Stephanie, I am so sorry for your families loss. I’ve been there. My daughter was 7 1/2 when she was killed in a jet ski/boat accident. It was 17 years ago this past Thursday, August 18th. It doesn’t matter the cause, no parent should lose a child. I would have people come up to me and say, “I know how you feel, I lost my mother, my father” I would just look at them. How could someone understand unless they’ve lived it? Some of the hardest is yet to come – the “firsts” – Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas – without them. One thing that really helped us was a monthly group called Compassionate Friends – a group of parents that have lost a child. It helped to talk to people that knew exactly what you were going through. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

    My name is Jodie Dry and I also work at The Everett Clinic. If you need to talk to someone that knows exactly how you are feeling, please feel free to contact me. You can get a hold of me through Lindsey.

    “She will live on in your beautiful memories and forever in your heart”

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  4. It is the hardest thing anyone can live through. Your arms must feel so empty. A loving joyful part of you has left and not only is it emotionally hard to come to terms with, but physically your very being aches for Blake. I have prayed for your sweet family everyday since I read the tragic news. Easy? I can’t imagine the pain you’ve felt every moment since Blake’s diagnosis. I’m awed at your grace. The only blessing was that she was with you and her daddy in a loving embrace when she gently left. God Bless you and your whole family.

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  5. Holding you in my thoughts during this incredibly awful time.
    I remember soon after our loss, explaining to my therapist how shocked I was at the insensitive things people said. She explained that when something that can not be made sense of happens people say things to make themselves feel better, not actually for you. They need to tie up our suffering in a neat now because it’s too uncomfortable for them to sit with the fact that we are in this much pain. It took me a while to accept what she was explaining but over the years it has helped me tolerate some of the ridiculous comments.

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