From where I sit, dreams are a blessing and a curse. They often feel too much like reality.
I’ve had the same dream over and over since Blake was about 2 1/2 months old. In this dream I’m holding Blake, she smiles at me, babbling. I smile back and make funny faces. Then, I stand her up on my lap; she pushes herself up and down like she’s jumping. I can feel the weight of her body and then the force. We laugh together and then I wake up.
I would always wake up feeling happy for a moment. Then I would remember she can’t actually do that, so I would get upset. See, Blake has never been able to bear any weight on her legs whatsoever. She’s only ever had very little movement from her ankles down. Even though it made me sad, I used to want to have this same dream. I felt like someday she would do exactly as she did in the dream, like somehow it was motivation or affirmation that she could do it. I just had to be her Mama, give her support and encourage her; keep standing her up and helping her try. She’d do it one day.
I had the dream only a handful of times after Blake’s diagnosis. These times I woke up and cried. I cried as quietly as I could so I didn’t wake anyone. I was furious every time. I didn’t want this dream anymore. Why did I keep having it? All it did was remind me of what Blake would never be able to do. It was like a slap in the face, over and over.
Just last night I had a new dream. This time, I had Blake lying on my stomach, attempting tummy time (we did this a ridiculously large amount of time in the earlier months of her life). She laid there for a moment with her belly on mine. All of a sudden, she lifted her head up! I was shocked! She was looking right at me with her big blue eyes. We were nose to nose. In the dream, I knew that she had SMA and that this was a big deal. I was yelling for Jeff to come see her, “Hurry! You’re going to miss it! Bring my camera!” I was telling her I was so proud of her, that she was beautiful and as strong as I always knew she was. That’s when I woke up.
This time I didn’t feel happy for a second; I stayed that way. Blake has never lifted her head in real life. Not off of me, the ground, the Boppy or anywhere else. Ah, but yes she has. I saw her do it. After all the times I told her she could lift her head, she finally did it. I got to see it in my dreams, and it was as incredible as I knew it would be.