Three

I can’t believe it. Today is the day that my second daughter was born three years ago. She was 8lbs 10oz, 21 inches long and completely perfect. Getting to watch my two girls meet for the first time is forever etched in my heart. We didn’t know then that she would end up with the most beautiful blue eyes or the sweetest little giggle. We had no idea that she would change everything in our world in the best and worst ways imaginable.

I’ve always told others that this day is a better day for our family. It isn’t the anniversary of her death which carries nothing good. This day is the one that my perfect girl was born. It’s a day of celebration and joy over one of the greatest gifts we’ve ever been given. It’s still a hard day. In 2016, we were five weeks short of celebrating her first birthday together. We never got to celebrate this day with her here and we never will. It’s still difficult to fully wrap my mind around that fact.

As a loss mom, even though you know better, you feed into the lie that this whole thing gets easier. That somehow time will pass and the agony will ease up. I’m convinced that this idea is necessary for survival. You hope that the pain will subside in some small way because it’s just too unbearable. Then it doesn’t. You realize over and over that a lifetime of birthdays will come and go without her. Nothing will ever be okay about spending Blake’s birthday missing her.

Happy third Birthday, my precious Blake Avery. Wherever you are, I hope you know that your Mama, Daddy and sisters love you so very much. We are so thankful to call you ours. You will never stop being the reason. We miss you terribly, sunshine girl.

And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you. – Kiersten White